Vampire Mash Up

Today marks week 3 of not smoking, but my pack a day gum addiction is increasing, funny that I do not really have the urge to smoke but I miss the social interaction of smoking, especially at work where I would go out a few times a day to get away, now I feel weird going outside and just standing around chewing my gum. The dreams have gotten a little better, at least they do not start the second I go to sleep, but they are still weird. Last night I dreamt that Sarah Michelle Geller was a vampire and that Pee Wee Herman was the slayer, talk about mashing up the Buffy movie and the series. They were both after me because I had something in my blood that if one side or the other got it would throw off the balance of power. Why are all my dreams lately about people chasing me? Back to the dream, after running and running and running (I sure get a lot of exercise in my dreams) I said the hell with this and I went on the offensive and got some help from Blade (yeah, Wesley Snipes, not the TV show Blade, he sucked). So we Kill Pee Wee while he was searching for me at the movies……at least their was no porn playing on the screen and we got Buffy at a strip club…don’t know why but Blade took the bills that were stuffed in her g-string and we ended up at Tobacco Road to drink some beer. Over beer we decided that we would team up and kill other blood suckers that were destroying Miami. 1st on the hit list was Mayor Giminez, we staked him in the ass with a 9 inch stake, his insurance couldn’t cover it all. We also got Rick Scott, Ozzie Gullien, Norman Braman and all the commissions of both City of Miami and Miami Dade. All in all it was a really nice dream. But when I woke up it was all for not I am still 9% poorer and always looking over my shoulder for the next pay cut.

This job is going to kill me!

As I close my eyes I cant help but wonder “what fucked up world will I be travelling to in my dreams” Still on the chantix and popping eclipse gum like it is going out of style, lucky for me 7-11 has a promo going buy 1, get 1 free. But not smoking which is the point. Don’t get me wrong I still get the urges and sometimes it is rough but pushing through it. So back to my dream land world. I have had a couple of dreams since I last updated this blog but the best so far was I was on a safari in Africa with about 10 other people who I did not know in a big truck looking at an elephant in the distances when out of nowhere a guy dressed in tribal warlord garb explodes out of the bush with a sword and a spear. Before anyone can react he has slaughtered about 5 people and the rest of us jump out the truck and start hauling ass with the warrior lord in hot pursuit. He kills 2 more with the spear cuz them where running in a straight line. I look to my left when I hear a scream and a chick was trying to cross a small river but a big ass croc got her. I hear 2 more screams and I can only wonder what happened to them then I hear my name called in a familiar accent but it sounds crazed and I turn quickly and the warlord is my boss and he is throwing the spear which misses me by only a few inches. Then he stops and yells that he is going to give me an hour head start so that the hunt will be fun. The crazy son of a bitch is hunting me and as I run I can still hear him laughing. Long story short this game of cat and mouse goes on for sometime until the end as I think I am safe in a tree with thick leaves about 30 feet off the ground and not making a sound or movement, war lord boss jumps through the leaves right in my face and sword slashes my creek, I scream and take a step back and now I am falling head first to the ground as I hear the laughter above me. I am about 6 inches from smashing skull first into the ground when I wake up panting and sweaty ass hell. Now the bad part of these dreams is that I wake up multiple times through out the night and when I close my eyes I go back to the exact spot where the dream left off. So this dream played out in my head for over 5 hours. FML. Tomorrow I will post my dream about Gary Coleman being my son’s dad. That was a weird one. LOL. Nightly nightly sleep tight and dream free! Oh Oh I almost forgot "HAPPY 420 DAY" Smoke em up if you got em!!!!

WAKE UP DUMMY! YOU GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!

Wow, I haven’t been on here in a while. So let’s see, what has changed since last time I wrote? Trying to get my daughter on the phone is still like pulling teeth and when I get my son on the phone it is all “yes” “yeah” “um hum” and any other variation of yes and of course “no” but I can’t wait to see the giant in the summer. Also, let see … oh yeah today marks day 3 of not smoking and let me tell you it isn’t fun, especially at work since it was so ingrained into my daily routine. Did I want to quit? No, I actually enjoyed smoking but due to my blood pressure I was a ticking time bomb, so hopefully when I go to the doctor tomorrow I will see a change since the commercials on TV say “After 1 day not smoking your blood pressure will be lower” at least that way I get my doctor off my ass. I didn’t quit cold turkey like other do, I was put on Chantix which allows me to slip up and continue taking it, hopefully I don’t because the insurance does not cover this med and it cost me $200….FML. These are the side effects of the drug “Constipation; gas; headache; increased appetite; nausea; stomach upset; taste changes; trouble sleeping; vivid, strange, or unusual dreams; vomiting” WOW at least my penis will not fall off. One effect I have had is the fucked up dreams. I always have had weird dreams, but now they are going to a new level. I wish I could record them and sell them to tweakers and ‘shroomers. The worst one I had was dreaming that I had to pee and I couldn’t wake up, which is bad enough but in my dream I kept peeing and peeing and the room was flooding. I finally woke up when the pee started going into my mouth, and of course my hands shot down to my crotch which thank the zombie Jesus were dry and of course when I went to the bathroom I didn’t have to pee. Another dream I had was that the White House was in Little Havana across the street from the Arms and it got hit with an earthquake and was crumbling and I ran in because I heard screaming and a co-worker was giving birth and the baby shot out of her and we took off running down the street and when we got to the crazy house a tsunami warning hit so we started running back to the Arms and into my apartment and I heard a ruckus in the bedroom and a tornado was tearing up the room so we ran out again and it was clear and sunny until planes started falling out of the sky. I woke up right before a 747 splattered my ass off.
So I think I am going to use my blog to remember my dreams on drugs.
So sleep tight and wear a diaper and scuba gear to bed.

Is it a day of Rapture or the beginning of Z-Day?

Imagine waking up and looking out the window and seeing Miami in chaos. Yes, that is what would happen in the event of a zombie outbreak. The CDC felt like they had to give us pointers on how to survive the Zombie apocalypse. Um hello, you cannot prepare for zombies as you do for a hurricane. Based on the CDC checklist, all these items are necessary but not all that you need to survive a zombie outbreak.

• Water (1 gallon per person per day)
• Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly)
• Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds)
• Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.)
• Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.)
• Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)
• Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)
• First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations that you might get during a tornado or hurricane)

Now these are the items that you are going to need to survive:

• Weapons (Lots of them)
• Katana Sword (My weapon of choice) Machete’s or any other sharp bladed objects which will keep you out of the zombies reach.
• Bow and Arrows (Silent but Deadly – Remember head shots, preferably through the eye).
• Guns (Not practical since other zombies will hear and converge, but if you are surrounded or in a jam, come out guns a blazing)
• Sniper rifle with silencer (m4 or xm8 with silencer with a telescopic sight)
• Cheap booze in glass bottles, strips of rags and gasoline (Can’t make Molotov cocktails without it)
• Solid blunt objects (Bats are good, in case you have to bash some brains)

• Wood (Lots of it) Also hammers and nails
• Tall ladder (In case you have to escape onto the roof)
• Flashlights (Better yet headlamps so you have full access to your weapons)
• Flare gun with spare flares (In the event that you hear reports that they are rescuing survivors)
• Bright colored paint (To write HELP SURVIVORS INSIDE on the roof)
• Battery powered radio (Hopefully Car Talk on NPR will not be on)
• Booze (Just to drink)

Ok, now that you have your supplies you need a place to hunker down. Some people will head to a mall (not practical, too many hiding places for zombies) or a church (Why, WWJD, he is the original zombie), military base (not good, have you ever seen a military base survive a zombie attack)? Or try to rescue family members (hopefully mine have their own plan in place because they live to far).

Now you want to find a secure building. Luckily I know and live in one. The Arms. 1st of all it is a 3 story building with only 2 entrances and the 1st floor windows are high enough off the ground that zombies will find it difficult to get into. (Unless they are fast moving zombies, then in that case we are all fucked!). The main entrance to the building is a strong gated door, so even if the zombie break the opaque plastic the metal bars and door will survive. The back door would have to be fortified with wood as well as the doors leading to each floor from the back stair well. On the 3rd floor there is access to the roof (that is where the ladder comes into play) in the event that zombies make it through my defenses.

A few major keys to survival: is for the zombies not to know that you are there, so no loud music or standing at the window gawking at them. Be organized and if you are with a group of people, you have to appoint a leader who is committed to keeping you all alive. Do not go into the streets if you do not have to, but if you do, getting into a car will attract attention, get on a bike and you can out run zombies (then again, if fast ones are involved, you are fucked). If you have to go into stores since your supplies are running low go in pairs, one with the sword and the other with a gun(s) and make sure to be aware of your surroundings especially the floor.

In the event that someone in your party is infected, you have roughly about 24 hours to do what you have to do. In the famous words of the Red Queen “Off with their head” Don’t worry that you are killing your friend, girlfriend, sister, wife…….well I wouldn’t think twice on that one. Think of it as being merciful and caring then watching a loved one turn into one of the undead.



Taking in outsiders. This is a tricky proposition since you do not know if they are infected and it will strain your supplies that much more. Personally, adults are on their own, but I would try to save a kid.

Well, there is so much more I could write and get into the real meat and potatoes of different scenarios but Max Brook wrote a book and beat me to it.

Gotta go do some work and sharpen my sword.

By the way, are we sure tomorrow is going to be the day of rapture or the beginning of the Zombie Apocalypse

What is this weird place I have stumbled upon?

Damn, it has been almost 5 months since I stumbled upon my little neglected blog. As I sit here bored out of my mind and sleepy watching the rain from non-factor tropical storm Nicole dump inch after inch of rain at work, I wonder how the f#@k am I gonna get home? Oh well, on other news. Halloween is coming up and next weekend the crew will be in Orlando for Screamfest and HHN, I cannot wait. Booze and scares!

I was offered an interesting job proposal yesterday, well not really a job job, but a 1 time deal. A friend’s brother in law is having a Halloween party for his kid and I was referred to him as the man to get it done. So after asking him what he wanted to do and the budget that he had (not to pay me, but to get the stuff he would need) he just said “Come over to my house, look at the yard and give me what you think” So after we talked some more he said “I will pay you to use your props and do you think that you could be part of the show” I was like “HELL YEAH, I love scaring the shit outta kids, but I love making adults scream even more. So I am meeting up with him this Saturday.

The funny part was that I had a conversation with a co-worker the other day saying that my dream job would be making/owning/running a haunted house. I know it isn’t the type of thing you can get rich at or not have another job to survive, but it would be something I enjoy. So who knows where this little meeting on Saturday will lead me in my future, all I know is that I look forward to October and hopefully can make a little something something out of my passion for Halloween.

Take it eZ

This is just a dream, this isn't real. This is just a dream

Hush now baby, baby, dont you cry.
Mother's gonna make all your nightmares come true.
Mother's gonna put all her fears into you.” – Pink Floyd

Dreams are funny things. They can put a smile on your face as you wake up from them or they can leave you in a panic as you fight to wake up. I usually don’t have dreams per say, not the nice ones at least. The best way I can describe it is as visions or a sense of future déjà vu.

I think I constantly find myself doing is looking at planes go over me and wonder will this be the day I see one go down. As terrible and horrific as it sounds, I have had that dream. Standing outside of my house and 1st hearing the plane then looking up to see smoke and fire and the plane getting lower and lower. I always think the same think: Don’t rush, try to gauge where the plane will go down, gather up my family head the opposite way, call 911, get my cell phone out and start recording….well I might as well get paid for the footage. Most people have hurricane preparedness plans and even zombie apocalypse plans (I have one of those), I have a “Oh shit, a plane is crashing plan”.

I do not know of the psychology of what you dream. If you dream that you see yourself die, will you die? Of course, we all do at sometime or another and yes I have seen myself die in my dreams and of course one of them was by a plane crashing on top of me. Is our subconscious trying to tell us something? The dreams I hate the most involve my kids, those are the ones that I struggle and fight to wake up from and those are truly nightmares.

On a couple of occasions I will see something happening and get a sense of déjà vu and I feel that I saw before in my sleep. Now I wouldn’t go as far as saying that I am the drugged out painter from the 1st season of Heroes, but I get that vibe sometimes. I have told myself many of times that I need to have a pen and paper by my bed to jot down what I saw in my dreams since I tend to remember them vividly when I 1st wake up. But as quick as I get up they start to fade, especially the good dreams, the nightmares tend to last a little longer.

I guess a bad back can be a blessing and a curse, since I can only sleep for a few hours at a time before the pain sets in and I have to start with the tossing and turning to get comfortable.

Hopefully tonight I dream of the lotto and I remember to jot down to 6 little numbers.

Sweet Dreams!

Life moves pretty fast.

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. – Ferris Bueller.

These past few weeks have been a total blur. Between work shit, moving shit, injury shit, ex-wife shit, kids shit....you can say it has been pretty shitty. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been all shitty, nothing a bottle of rum can never fix.

1st I had moving drama, you always hate to move. The packing up of all your shit and wondering to yourself..(Damn I didn’t think I had this much crap) then dealing with the ghetto ass chick and her Ed Hardy wearing boyfriend who were trying to get the same apartment we were. So after some tense moments we got the apartment. Pro’s are that it has a great view, con’s you have to maneuver 3 flights of killer stairs. With the helps of friends we were able to get the place painted and moved in less than 3 days. In between we had a work function for Lydia and I was impressed that the free booze was top shelf. I made them pay for open bar after I killed a few screwdrivers in less than an hour. Then the after party was at our new across the hall neighbor’s place. More drinking and I was baptized the official DJ of the Arms. Saturday night after a full day of moving we hit Harvey’s on the day for a night of good friends and cheap beer. Note to self, do not go to Harvey’s when they have PPV fights or Ghetto proms. Sunday, I woke up hung over (go figure) and made the trek for a day of fun in the sun at the beach with good friends. To bad shortly into the party, Lydia took a tumble off of a wall and really messed up her ankle, she was a trooper and lasted at the BBQ until late in the afternoon, and then we were off to the hospital for X-Rays. So long story short, after a week on crutches with a possible fracture in her ankle, she is now in a boot with messed up tendons. Finally a week later we were able to go to the new apartment with all the boxes waiting for us to unpack them. Slowly but surely.

Work on the other hand is also stressful and tense with dealing with our crazy employee who was terminated. Now comes the appeal that I am sure she is going to do, and then the hearing. Thank the baby Jesus that I like to write supervisor notes, so I should be good to go. We also had Law Day at my job this week, in which I had to prepare my office for. It wasn’t a big deal but when you have a boss that worries about everything it can be stressful. Really how many times do you need to ask me about a banner in the course of 45 minutes?

That leads me to baby-momma drama. Where do I start on this one? Funny I always cringe when I answer my phone and I hear “Sorry to bother you, but”. I have been getting a lot of those calls lately regarding my son. She complains and complains and I feel like telling her “What the fuck do you want me to do from 1,000 miles away?” So I try to talk to him and tell him to do good in school, if not then he will have to go to summer school and not be able to visit me, I tell him to respect his mother and protect his sister. I get the impression that he is on the other line picturing the teacher’s voice from the peanut cartoons “whaa, whaa, blah, blah”. So on top of having to worry about him and the prospect of them not coming to visit in June, now I have to deal with my momma issue of what I need to do, and what his mother isn’t doing regarding him and how I should contact my attorney. WHAT THE FUCK IS MY ATTORNEY GOING TO DO IF THE KID DOESN’T DO HIS HOMEWORK?????

I seriously need a mental health day. So I see water, beer, bait and fishing poles in my near future.